She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
