I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
