At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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