That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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