I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
