Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
