I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
