i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
