just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
