cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
