he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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