Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i now understand why vodka
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
