I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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