Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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