i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
