i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
