he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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