yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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