Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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