I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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