there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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