he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
