No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
