Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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