i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
