3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
