also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
