Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
