He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
