Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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