she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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