there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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