can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
