Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Who died my cat blue again?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
