Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
