oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
