I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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