Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
