I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
