there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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