I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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