i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
