My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I love you. Go after that dick
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
