Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
