basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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