I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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