I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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