i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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