we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
