I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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