Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
